One day a college professor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand.
After a minute a young man stood up.
The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron.
The kid replied, “No, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”
Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked,
“When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you,
what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first man says,
“I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second man says,
“I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last man replies,
“I would like to hear them say, ‘LOOK! HE’S MOVING!’”
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.
He’s got spiked, multicolored hair that’s green, purple, and orange.
His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
His legs are bare and he’s without shoes.
His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat,
directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man:
“What are you looking at you old fart… didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were young?”
Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
“Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore,
and had sex with a parrot.
I thought maybe you were my son.”
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend.
He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the Rail Road tracks one day, he hears this whistle
– Whooee da Whoee! — but doesn’t know what it is.
Predictably, he’s hit — but, only a glancing blow — and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle,
to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party, one evening.
While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling.
He grabs a baseball bat from the closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an
unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes to the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man:
“Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?”
The desert man replies: “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam,
“What’s wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.
God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said, “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes.
She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the night to take care of them.
She will not nag, and will be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.”
Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”
God said, “An arm and a leg.”
Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”
The rest is history.
One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.
The student asked, “Do you know who I am?”
The prof said, “No and I don’t care.”
The student asked again, “Are you sure you don’t know who I am?”
The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in
the middle, then threw the papers in the air.
“Good” the student said, and walked out. He passed.
A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says “What can I get you?”
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I’m afraid we don’t.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren’t you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don’t have any grapes. OK?
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What’s your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON’T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I’m going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,
“What the heck do YOU want?”
Umm. do you have any nails?
What!? OF course not.
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?
A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird’s bad words embarrassed him very much.
As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,”That language must stop!”. But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, “Don’t use those ugly words!” Again the bird cursed him.
Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.
This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man’s arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened:
“I’ll be good, I promise…Those chickens in there.. what did they say?”
ALTERNATE VERSION:
George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.
George thought to himself, “On no! I froze my aunt’s bird to death.”
He opened the door and saw the bird alive!
The bird said, “I’m sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.
George said, “Why the change?”
The bird answered, “Because I saw what you did to the other bird.”
A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.
He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, “Honey, if there’s anything I can do to make you happy, tell me.”
The preacher answered, “You know, dear, there’s that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called “your little secret” in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I’m about to go home to be with the Lord, why don’t you show me what’s in that secret box of yours?”
The preacher’s wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $100,000 and three eggs.
“What are those eggs doing in the box?” the preacher asked.
“Well, Honey,” she replied, “every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box.”
Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.
“And what about that $100.000?”" he asked.
“Oh, you see,” she whispered softly, “every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I ..sold them.”
One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper’s house drinking beer.
They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.
The snail said, “I’d go, but I’m kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go.”
The grasshopper said, “I don’t mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we’ll get sprayed every time we open one.”
So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.
An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn’t returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.
A 7-year-old boy and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year old says, “When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I’ll say HELL and you say ASS.”
The 4-year-old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast.
The 7 year old replies, “Ah hell, Mom, I’ll just have some Cheerios.”
WHACK! The surprised mother reacts quickly.
The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.
With a sterner voice, the mother then asks the younger son, “And what would YOU like for breakfast?”
“I don’t know,” the 4 year old blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it’s not gonna be Cheerios.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson said, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”
“Astronomically,” Watson replied, “it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
“Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
“Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes replied, “Somebody stole our tent.”
A man walked into a bar and immediately called out, “Who is the owner of that Saint Bernard tied up outside?”
A man replied, “It’s mine. Why do you ask?”
The first man walked up to him and said, “I’m sorry, but my dog just killed your dog.”
The owner of the Saint Bernard was shocked, “Are you kidding me?! That dog is huge! He’s bigger than my car!”
The first guy explained, “Well, he choked on my Chihuahua.”
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must work in Information Technology.” says the balloonist.
“I do!” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use at all.”
The man below says, “You must work in business.”
“I do!” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
When I was a boy I had a series of dreams. They woke me up screaming. My father came to me on the first night and asked me what was wrong and I told him. I told him I’d dreamed my aunt Stacy had died. He assured me that Aunt Stacy was fine and I went back to bed.
But the next day she died.
A week or so later the same thing happened. Another dream, I woke up screaming. He came to my room and asked me what had happened. I told him I dreamed Gramps had died. Again he told me–though with perhaps a bit of trepidation in his voice–that Gramps was fine, and so I went back to sleep.
The next day, of course, Gramps died.
For a few weeks I didn’t have another dream. Then I did, I had another, and Father came and asked me what I had dreamed and I told him: I dreamed that my father had died. He of course assured me that he was fine and to think no more of it, but I could tell it rattled him, and I heard him pacing the floor all night, and the next day he was not himself, always looking this way and that as if something was going to fall on his head, and he went into town early and was gone for a long time. When he came back he looked terrible, as if he had been waiting for the ax to fall all day.
“Good God,” he said to my mother when he saw her. “I’ve had the worst day of my entire life!”
“You think you’ve had a bad day,” she says. “The milkman dropped dead on the porch this morning!”
There was this man–we’ll call him Roger–who had to go out of town on business, and so left his cat in the care of a neighbour. Now, the man loved his cat, loved his cat beyond all things, so much so that the very night of the day he left he called his neighbour to inquire into the general health and emotional well-being of this dear feline. And so he asked his neighbour, “How is my sweet little darling precious cat? Tell me, neighbour, please.”
And the neighbour said, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, ROger. But your cat is dead. It was run over by a car. Killed instantly. Sorry.”
Roger was shocked! And not merely at the news of his cat’s demise–as if that weren’t enough!–but also at the way in which he was told about it.
So he said, he said, “That’s not the way you tell somebody about something as horrible as this! When something like this happens you tell the person slowly, you ease them into it. You prepare them! For instance. When I called this evening you should have said, Your cat’s on the roof. Then the next time I call you would say, The cat’s still on the roof, he won’t come down and he’s looking pretty sick. Then the next time I call you might tell me the cat fell off the roof and that he’s now at he vet in intensive care. Then, the next time I call you tell me–your voice sort of quivery and shaky–that he died. Got it?”
“Got it,” said the neighbour. “Sorry.”
So three days later Roger called the neighbour again, because his neighbour was still watching the house and checking his mail, et cetera, and Roger wanted to know if anything important had happened. And the neighbour said, “Yes. As a matter of fact, yes. Something important has happened.”
“Well?” asked Roger.
“Well,” the neighbour said. “It’s about your father.”
“My father!” exclaimed Roger. “My father! What about my father?”
“Your father, “said the neighbour, “is on the roof . . .”
The first man gets to Heaven. The angel asks him, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?”
“A couple times,” the man replied.
“That’s not so bad.” the angel said. So he gave the man a Pinto to drive around in Heaven.
A second man gets to Heaven, now. The angel asks him, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?”
“Just once,” the man replied.
“Not bad at all,” the angel said. So he gave the man a Mustang to drive around in Heaven.
The third guy gets to Heaven. The angel asks him, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?”
“Never,” the man replied.
“That is excellent,” the angel said. So he gave the man a shiny new Cadillac to drive around in Heaven.
So the first two guys are driving around their cars in Heaven, and they come by the third guy pulled over on the side of the road crying.
“What’s wrong?” one of them asks him. “You’re in Heaven, you’ve got a sweet ride.. what could you possibly have to cry about?”
“I just saw my wife,” the third man replied. “But she was on a skateboard.”
So there were these three guys in a jungle somewhere who all got captured by a tribe of cannibals. Since none of them wanted to be eaten, they begged and pleaded to the man with the biggest headdress who must be the cheiftan. The cheiftain tells them, “There is a ritual. If you pass the ritual, you will go free. You each must go into the forest and get ten pieces of fruit.”
The three men nodded, and each had an armed guard with them to make sure they didn’t go running off.
The first guys gets back with ten apples. The cheiftain says to him, “Now the ritual is you must let us shove each of the ten pieces of fruit up your butt. If you do not make a noise, you go free.” The first guy gets one apple up there, but when they were going to shove the second in, he grunted, and the cannibals killed him.
The second guy shows up with ten berries. The cheiftain says to him, “Now the ritual, is you must let us shove each of the ten pieces of fruit up your butt. If you do not make a noise, you go free.” 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9—–and the man bursts into laughter, and he is killed.
The first guy meets the second guy at the gates of heaven and says, “Why the heck did you laugh? You were almost free!”
The second guy replies “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples….”
…Jesus is giving St. Peter a hand at the gates one day when a man walks shuffling up the path to Heaven.
“What have you done to enter the kingdom of Heaven?” Jesus asks him.
And the man says, “Well, not much really. I’m just a poor carpenter who led a quiet life. The only remarkable thing about my life was my son.”
“Your son?” Jesus asks, getting interested.
“Yes, he was quite a son,” the man says. “He went through a most unusual birth and later a great transformation. He also became quite well known throughout the world and is still loved by many today.”
Christ looks at the man, embraces him tightly, and says “Father, father!”
And the old man hugs him back and says, “Pinocchio?”
Okay, the scene is WWII, aboard an American ship. The ship is going up against a Japanese destroyer. The captain, upon seeing this, turns to his first mate and said, “Mate, get me my red shirt.”
So the mate does, and when the captain changes into it he asks him what the reason is. The captain replies, “This way, if I am wounded, the crew won’t notice and stop fighting.”
Then they went to battle, and the captain was indeed wounded and his shirt tactic worked the way he had intended. They continued on their way, until they came to a line of Japanese destroyers.
“Mate,” the captain said, looking to his first mate. “Get me my brown pants.”
